"Place of the Unknown" - A Poem by King

King, a Freedom from Torture client, shares a poem she wrote. It reflects on her challenges such as vulnerability through persecution, identity, sexuality, mental health, and homelessness.

Long away from Home,
Kept us safe,
Protect us from danger,
ln the front line,
I thought it affect Soldiers in the Battlefields,
They want the fight over,
So they can go home.
Nobody could see but it was there.

I'm starting to forget the sound of my voice,
Questioning who am l,
I miss the girl I used to be,
Every twinkle in her eye,
She takes my breath away,
When she caress me,
I can feel it in her touch,
No one make me feel the way she did.

Gaze into her eyes,
I saw the whole world in front of me,
Happiness and Beauty,
That's all I could see,
Hold me close,
Kiss me all over,
Leaves me wanting more,
But I don't know why?

Am I out of my mind,
Chasing my Rainbow,
The Sun would shine through,
Shouting out loud,
Feel great Pride,
Home is where my Love is,
Every time I am with her,
I can't believe is true.

My brain seems to play tricks with me,
Dancing around my head,
Toying with my thoughts,
Manoeuvring my mood swing,
Pardon my explosive emotions,
My battery went out of whack,
Tries to bury them deep,
Cos it drives me crazy.

I just want the echoes in my head to go away,
Feeling powerless,
But how do I explain to her,
Even though I know it is her hand touching me.

But why my body can feel his?
As long as I don't ask,
Don't tell anyone,
I will be fine.

Crush by the weight,
Not knowing,
Right or Wrong,
Black or White,
With tears rolling down my face,
Tears are words my heart can't say.

How will I explain to her,
I have scars marked so deep that she can't see,
Hidden away buried beneath the skin.

ln the middle of night,
Scream out loud,
But is out of my hand,
Like reflection in a mirror.

Every time I closed my eyes,
No idea why?
It comes finds you,
Replay over, over and over.

I been here before,
Searching for control,
Desperate to stay afloat,
I can't find my way out of it.

I am not perfect,
I will never be,
But I want to tell her,
I desire her.

Unable to find words,
I want her to touch me,
Wrap her arms around me,
Taste my lips,
Love me,
Don't give up on me!

I don't know how to explain it,
Getting close fires up my fear,
If I broke down,
Lost control of myself,
Come and hold me,
Until I stop shaking.

Can I count on you,
To bring me back,
Here with you,
Feeling close to you,
Kiss my fear away.

Though I can’t see,
Whoever you maybe,
Don’t judge me,
Accept all of me,
The real me!

I don’t wanna scare you,
So try to keep my distance,
So you won’t see my pain,
I don’t wanna burn you out.

How will I explain to her,
You see what I let you see,
I’d been steering away from death countless time,
Is so close,
You don’t even know me.

My mind freaks me out,
Camouflaging myself,
Ignore my feelings,
My desire,
Someone I don’t even recognise.

Hiding in the shadow,
I have no answer,
Just questions?

Constant battle,
The culture,
The norm,
The tradition,
The religion,
The society,
Or
What the community expect of me,
Just try to find myself.

Am I going bonkers?
Dangerous terrain,
Only way to stay sane,
Rock the boat.

I am trouble,
I am hard work,
I am burden,
When it matters the most,
I felt betrayed,
I had to go,
I wasn’t safe,
But run to where?

Like a tug of war,
Back and forth,
No direction,
Struggling to let go and hold on,
Held captive,
So much past history,
Being the one who left behind.

I am Frozen,
I can see them,
Their voice,
Smell of their breath,
Rob the very core of my being,
How do I escape?
Where do I flee?

Wishful thinking,
Turn back the time,
Fantasising,
To get my life right,
Set myself free or Keep in chained,
Love is what I’ve got,
Watch over me.

Searching for Rainbow,
Searching for Sunshine,
Searching for my life,
And my Home to Me.

Force to let go,
My Pride and Status.

Do you hear me,
I know is a lot to ask,
My heart lost in dark,
How do I make it stop?
This pain I feel,
Swallow me whole,
Pulls me like a magnet,
Taking me away,
Invade my space,
I will never stop fighting back.

I am a human being after all,
Searching for love,
Searching for protection,
Searching for comfort.

I can’t bear anyone to touch me,
Shattered into pieces,
The details lost in time,
Fitting myself back together,
Will always be a part of me.

I got nobody with me,
Non Existence,
Only the trails of crumbs,
I feel like I am just watching life around me.

Wandering aimlessly,
I have lost track,
Where did the years go?
Having No Where at all,
No place to call Mine.

A deep hole,
Never ending darkness,
No light and No Exit,
Fighting to breathe,
Uncertainty of day by day living,
With no particular destination to go.

A kindness of grandma once says to me,
‘’Trouble, I see you and I am not going anywhere’’
Never gave up asking ‘’Can I have a Hug’’
The warmth embrace melts my heart to its core.

Caught in the mist,
Reaching out,
My final attempt,
Ask for help,
Became a minute by minute decision,
Contemplating,
No one has an answer because they can’t relate to.

So desperately holding onto,
Fight not to lose,
My last bit of sanity,
It’s so hard,
To pretend,
That I am okay,
But I have to,
Put my mask on,
Survival Mode.

Not connected,
Not knowing what was wrong with me,
Seeing everyday as my last,
Hold onto what’s matter while I can.

Changing-Lives,
Held my hand,
Every step of the way,
Out of the dark,
I don’t see every step ahead.

But it felt right,
I am ready,
Let Love shine my way,
I will take whatever Chance to get it right.

Running on empty,
Feeling on Edge,
I have no more word to describe,
No way to turn,

Drop-in CRISIS,
Feel like Home,
Embrace All,
Give me space to Hope,
Learn me the Rope.

Bang the Drum,
#Health Now Support,
Find out what’s wrong,
Mental Health problem.

Make the Difference,
Like Life-Support,
Healthcare involved.

Rainbow Migration,
Let the colours of my life left behind flow through,
Experience all the hues.

Freedom from Torture,
Confront the Carnage,
Prescription to mitigate the pain,
To calm the storm in my mind.

Drew strength from All,
In the face of adversity,
While I still have time,
Try to make the most.

Celebrating the Difference,
Space for Everyone,
Equality for All.

Stop questioning the Love I deserve,
Hold my hand and don’t let it go,
Feel my heart and you will know.

I dare you,
Come closer,
Don’t be scare,
Your actions show me you care,
Not just words that you say,
I have always known,
You are my home.